| sorry |
[02 Jan 2005|11:08pm] |
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thinking and reflecting |
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The Honorary Title |
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i just want to say im sorry to anyone who i've ever hurt in one way or another. my concious is killing me right now, and although this doesnt really help, at least i got it out.
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[30 Nov 2004|02:33pm] |
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im so frustrated and stressed out lately. i just want to crawl into a whole and die. all my bad decisions are finally catching up to me. and now, after years of, "melissa, you need to participate more in school" or "melissa, study more or else you're not going to get into the college you want." i am regretfully admitting that my mom was right. well, i knew she was right then, what i dont know is why i didnt listen.
I'm starting Southwestern next month (January). my orientation was yesterday and i spoke with a counselor and told him that i want to transfer to NYU or UCLA after my general ed is done. So basically, he told me to call NYU (since they dont have a transferring "agreement") and find out the pre-req's and ask for a catalog and get all the information. i got home today and called but no one was answering, so i came online to see if i could find out on the site. then i was dumb enough to look at the undergrad application--and there's no way in hell im going to get in. my entire 2 years of high school and 1 1/2 years of almost-independent study i've done NOTHING. my grades werent that great because i was a lazy-ass, therefore it doesnt really matter if i was in honors or ap classes. i didnt take the AP test because ap classes were a bit of a challenge and honors was the easiest thing ever. but still, i couldnt even do my homework. i didnt do ANY extra-curricular stuff. so what the hell am i good for now?
and then....i just sent in the payment for my speeding ticket and now im just waiting for it to go through and get cleared. $370 because i was being stupid for like 2 seconds on an EMPTY road. they said im not eligible for traffic school because of my speed so that means my insurance is going to go up too. i cant even afford it now. oh and not only that, but my car is a piece of shit. there's ALWAYS something wrong with it and i havent even had it for a year yet. the other night it wasnt starting (it wasnt my battery. i think it was either the starter or something, but who knows. its in the shop right now, but to be honest i hope they say they cant fix it (yeah right) or that it blows up or gets stolen or SOMETHING. i just don't want it anymore. i dont want to drive. i want to just move to New York, go to the school i want have an awesome job and take the taxi or subway. that would make me very happy. --oh and have enough money so i dont have to worry every day about stupid stuff. i have hardly any christmas money now. i was going to get chris a futon, but now i cant afford it. and i was going to get my mom this 200$ mixer set she wants, but now i cant afford that either. i dont like to worry about money, but ive been saving to move out for about two years now and i have less money than when i started. i just feel like im going to be here forever. im not going to get into the schools i want--so that wont help me get out. and i dont have money to move, so i cant get out that way either.
i just dont want to worry about this stuff anymore. its depressing. i feel like complete shit.
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| jeucnt |
[13 Nov 2004|12:24am] |
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my tummy is growling but i cant eat after 9 |
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IM SO BORED!!! ok i really have absolutly *nothing* to post right now, but im just really bored and had/have nothing better to do, plus i havent posted on here in forever so why not? oh shit i forgot to take my birth control...o well im only an hour late and its not like im having sex soon... so whatev. ummmm ok i guess thats all guys. how lame.
ps....whoa they changed the part where you put in your mood and stuff....interesting. and if you change around the last 4 letters in my "subject" it says cunt.
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| people suck. |
[07 Oct 2004|08:58pm] |
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just like shit |
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ok so yes.... im not happy. a couple of days ago i got into an accident coming home from work. now those of you who know how i drive (michelle) are going to figure that i was speeding and on someones ass when it happened--but on the contrary, that wasnt the case at all.
my car has been acting up (including what i thought was the breaks)for a while now and so a couple of days before the accident my dad took my car in to have it looked at and fixed/tuned up and what not. the next day, my dad told me the guys said the breaks were fine, but the car was still going fine and everything was perfect. so the next day my breaks start acting kinda weird again when im on my way to work so i drive EXTRA careful and keep extra distance from people. on my way home they were better, but i was still driving carefully and then at the exit to come home im slowing down since it was backed up and my breaks freak out and dont catch or something and i hit the BEAMER in front of me--yeah, the beamer (of course). so i put i small crack in her fender...NOTHING huge at all. so i get out of the car and do the usual blah blah blah... and she starts yelling at me telling me i was trying to cut her off....WTF--um no, i really didnt.
claims company calls me that night and just does the usual check up stuff and insurance company calls me in the morning doing their thing....and then after asking some questions she gets to the fun part "are you aware that you're insurance was cancelled on 10-02?" -- no it was not because then why the hell was i being harrassed about my 'late car/insurance' payment for?!-- "no, it shouldnt be i think my dad just went and paid it a couple of weeks ago" and then she said it "ok well, ill need to speak with your parents to figure this out before we know exactly whats going on" yeah, you're right i hadnt told my parents yet. i was waiting until that day to see how much my insurance would be going up and everything. so i told my parents and the both (ESPECIALLY my dad) took it MUCH better than i thought.
i ended up being wrong about the part where i thought my dad had paid them. but evidently he hadnt seen a bill or anything from them in a month or so and whatnot... so the company said they'll take two weeks to decide if my accident is going to be put on the insurance or not.
now today i come home from doing some stuff and i guess the insurance lady called and said that the girl is claiming "injuries". if you guys only knew how "hard" i hit her. i barely hit her hard enough to make a mark, so i know the whole injury thing is a heaping load of bullshit. the insurance people want to see my car tomorrow, so yeah.
i guess when my dad found out about the claim he sarted slamming things around and yelling at my mom saying "LOOK WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER DID NOW I CANT BELIEVE THIS. IF THEY DECIDE THAT SHE DID HIT HER HARD ENOUGH ITS GOING TO COST SO MUCH MONEY. AND OF COURSE THIS WOULD HAPPENED TO YOUR DAUGHTER" and she told him "she's your daughter too." and what does he say??? "FINE OUR DAUGHTER" my mommy was trying to tell him how "it was an accident, it could have happened to anyone and you know people, they'll just make stuff up." and i guess he kept going on about how pissed he was and especially about how much money it would cost. "YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. ITS GOING TO COST SO MUCH MONEY. THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. THEY COULD TAKE OUR HOUSE AWAY" my mom: "HEH...yeah martin, they're going to take our house away." "IM SERIOUS, AND YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND DO YOU??? ITS COMING OUT OF OUR POCKETS AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS DEFEND HER." and this is one of the reasons i love my mom: "YOU KNOW WHAT...IM HAPPY SHE GOT IN THIS CAR ACCIDENT BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER CARE ABOUT IS MONEY."
so now i have absolutely no money. especially since i paid my car today and that left me with nothing (thats an entirely other story by itself) so now that Chris promised me a real Chirstmas, i have NO money to buy presents with or anything. and me not getting even 100$ on my paychecks doesnt help much either.
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| WOW!!!! im updating my journaaal. |
[28 Aug 2004|10:48pm] |
yeah so um...im updating. amazing isnt it? yeah, i think so too. so um...tomorrow is me and chris' 3 months. yeah its not a long time, but it feels like it :) michelle says "thats cool for you" so HAH losers, it is cool.....ooook and enough of me being a retard--ahem. tomorrow is my last day at work too. i quit last week so im get my last paycheck next sunday and then after i use/save that, im broke as shit which brings me to my next exciting event in my life: im starting school. yes, i know i said i was taking a semester off, but guess what--im not. partially because i realized that i kind of WANT to go, but also (and MAYBE mostly...or just half---ly:) because as long as im in school my parents will support me...and seeing as how i dont have a job after tomorrow (although i am looking) ill be really poor and im going to (sad to say it) need their support. so yes...thats all.
oh and about me not EVER updating...see my computer is a piece of shit. no, seriously. well technical seriousness... but yeah, and it takes forever and always kicks me out of programs and such so...i try to avoid it, but when its fixed ill update more. --or i wont cuz i have a life. (that was supposed to be WAY sarcastic) ok bye
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| update... |
[30 Jul 2004|11:43am] |
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 happy |
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Wouldnt it be nice-- Beach Boys |
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yes michelle, i didnt want you to find out this way, but im in love with derick. i hope you dont mind too much. :P
ok anyways, i just got back from Nevada last night. i went with Chris and we were there for a week. it was fun. i went camping for my first time ever. and that was cool. we also went up to Tahoe and went swimming and stuff. the rest of the time was spent just hanging out with his friends. He has really cool friends too so it was really fun.
yeah, yesterday was our 2 months. its not a big deal, i know, but it seems longer to both of us. but we're still happy and i just like him more and more every day, so thats good. he got some really pretty roses on our way home. heh it was cute. he makes me really happy. i can be really upset and once im with him, everythings fine. im still watching out and all, but hes the first guy that ive been like this with since mike. but im really happy i met chris and everything is working out so far.
herm...what else. melissa's back!!! im so happy. she MIGHT come live with me on the 13'th of august. thats when she turns 18. her mom is still being a psycho bitch though. the only way i get to talk to her is through email, which shes not even supposed to be using. so yeah. thats that.
i dont know if there's really anything else to write about now. im going to hang out with my mom in a few hours, so i need to go start cleaning and getting ready. im going to try to start updating more. i know i havent been the best at it lately. especially considering its been over a month since my last post. but eh...life happends, and right now i dont mind it at all, so we'll see how this goes. anyways. talk to you guys later.
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| whats new.... |
[22 Jun 2004|03:09pm] |
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mood |
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my back hurts |
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Le Tigre |
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....so i havent been around for a long time-- a REALLY long time. so--i officially graduated last friday. it was weird though, i didnt feel like i belonged there. but its ok, its over now.
so for graduation i got a computer and desk and whatnot...so that was/is nice. now i dont have to fight for the computer or deal with that piece of shit. i got a total of about........300 dollars from the rest of my family
after graduation me and chirs left for Reno/Carson for his sisters wedding witch was on saturday. the drive was about 8 1/2 hours. we left at 10:30'ish...maybe 11 and got there between 7:30 and 8 in the morning. so yeah. when we were getting ready to go to the wedding chris brought me a necklace that he got for me. its so pretty.
his family and his friends are sooooo incredibly cool. im kind of jeleous. i shouldnt be though. and thats that. the wedding (and the weekend in general) was REALLY fun and im glad i went.
ok so yeah...i think thats all i have to update about right now.
ok bye
I LOVE YOU MICHELLE!!!!!!!!
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| i dont usually do this but..... |
[14 Jun 2004|02:24pm] |
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music |
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Scrawl--Take a Swing |
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DO NOT CLICK ON THE 'THIS IS INTERESTING' or 'WHOS SAUSAGE IS LONGEST' LINKS YOU MAY SEE IN YOUR FRIENDS LIST. IT IS A LJ HACK THAT WILL STEAL YOUR LJ PASSWORD AND POSSIBLY LOCK YOU OUT OF LJ (BY CHANGING YOUR LJ PASSWORD). IT IS ALONG THE SAME LINES AS THE RUSSIAN 'NAME' MEME THAT WENT AROUND YESTERDAY!
If you *do* click it, your password was sent to the owner of that website. You should change your LJ password *immediately*, and sign off, then clear any cookies out in your browser before signing back into LJ.
More info:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/theferrett/308563.html
PLEASE READ THIS AND POST IT INYOUR OWN JOURNAL, AND YOUR COMMUNITIES. PASS IT ON!!!
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| um....yes. |
[26 May 2004|10:02pm] |
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Just Like Heaven--The Cure |
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aw guys.... <3 <3 <3
i really like him and i miss him. but we're going out tomorrow after work, so :D
i spent the night at his house last night with averil and steve. we didnt plan to but all of us just fell asleep watching a movie. so they had to wake up at 4 cuz of work and averil had to open the cafe today at 7 so we left. i came home after dropping her off around 5 and went to bed but i couldnt sleep cuz for the past two nights i was with chris and it felt weird sleeping alone.
ok well...i guess thats my update.
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[22 May 2004|01:30pm] |
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:( |
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Wonderwall--Oasis |
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ive been thinking lately...a lot. i guess it really isnt doing me much good because its getting me depressed (again). this time, i think ive figured out whats wrong though. i always complain about how im so lonely and whatnot--but when it comes to it, i act like i dont really want to be unlonely. (yeah, the ones that really know me are probably thinking "no shit"). and i guess thats the point...ive alienated myself from everyone and everything that being lonely is normal for me and its just become something of comfort to me. i dont really know how to explain it, but part of me doesnt want anyone--a big part of me. and i dont know why. it seems like i would be able to fix it by just making an effort or something, but that part of me is holding me back, and when i do make an effort, it seems pointless. everything still feels the same as before. im still alone and comfortable. and the depression i guess is just another console for me. i know this sounds overly morose and well--dumb, but i dont know. i guess i dont care.
i really want to get on with my life. the more im here the more upset i am. i havent exactly been the person i want to be lately either. and im NOT going to go into detail about that. im really upset at some things ive done the past couple of weeks. But i dont really know if i want to change it.
ok well, im not making any sence at all. im just going to go and think more.
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[12 May 2004|11:21pm] |
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Tears for Fears--Everybody Wants to Rule the World |
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i went to TJ last night with Meghan and Claudia. we went to Hustler too. originally we were just gonna go to Hustler cuz of the whole me being 18 thing, so yeah. we went there, went upstairs to the little "porn/adult" area. then went to Vons to see Kristin. and then went to TJ spontaneously. we just went for some tacos, which were fucking GREAT, btw. then we ended up at Porkys, the 80's club ive been DIYING to go to. and it was sooooooooooo fun. yeah, i had a bit to drink, but i wasnt really drunk. not like last time. i was just really buzzed. so yeah.... i had a LOT of fun last night. we're supposed to go again tomorrow night.
here's some pictures from last night. sorry, ive been going crazy with my new camera lately, ( just bare with me, please )
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[09 May 2004|03:14pm] |
hey guys. somebody take me to prom... PLEAAAASE i want to cry, seriously. everybodys talking about it and stuff and im just here by myself.
anyways....as you know my birthday was on friday. yesterday my dad's psycho family came over. i got a digital camera (finally) but it didnt come with the cd rom so i have to take it back. argh. um i also got 120 dollars. and then michelle, my love, got me a bag (which i LOVE), a picture frame, and something else, but i forget cuz i love the bag too much :D ok so yeah.
after that, me and michelle left and went to my work so i could say hi to kristin, meghan, and claudia. michelle filled out an application which i SUPER cool cuz she'll probably get the job and itll be fun. :D :D um, then we went to dericks to see his cousin's boyfriend who played Leonardo on the live/people movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, waaaay back in the day. then David went over and we all went to Cold Stone and got free ice cream from Dolan and ran around the Whaley House (a "haunted" house over here for those of you that dont know).
tonight im going to Barona with kristin and maybe meghan to gamble a bit, since i can now and all...hah hah hah. the joys of being 18..................... *sighs*
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| i didnt get to see friends because i work :( |
[07 May 2004|12:32am] |
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18 and growing |
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ok well...ive been 18 for about 32 minutes now.
happy birthday to me..................
my parents might be getting a divorce :\
in some ways i really dont care because its THEIR marriage and they need to do what makes them happy. but, the only thing that bothers me is that if they DO get a divorce, im gonna have to chose one or the other...so i'll NEED to move out. but i have no one to really move with. oh well. we'll see what happens.
um, im not going to mexico tonight. --i'll still get drunk if i can, but no mexico. we're rescheduling that.
ok im tired.
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| beach DAY!! |
[26 Apr 2004|10:30am] |
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adfahadfyu rtik |
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well today im going to the beach :D :D :D yay. --well then i have work at 4. but still. itll be cool cuz me and meghan and maybe claudia and maybe melissa and maybe paul and some other people are gonna go too and then me and meghan and claudia (if she comes) are gonna go to work since we all close together tonight.
um yeah i worked out this morning. if i can just keep it up until the summer really hits. i say that everytime and never stick to it though, but then again, if my uncle comes over every day to tell me im fat, then maybe it'll serve as some motivation? --yeah, he was over on sunday and i see him as im leaving for work and after he says hi to me his first words were "you've gotten fat"...except in farsi and i just said "what" cuz i didn't believe he just said that, and then to make me feel even better, my mom decided to tell him "not to bother her about it" still in farsi acting like i dont understand her or something, so the most i could do was scowl at them and continue onto my car and just drive away even though i wanted to say something so bad, but no him being my persian uncle i have to show respect and just smile and agree with everything he says. *insert bitching moment:* to tell you the truth, i know i dont have the nicest body. i have pudge and my legs are nasty. my ass is too big and my boobs are too small. my teeth are fucked up and my mouth is too small. i could go on forever about this shit. its not as if i go around acting like im hot shit...and when i do its COMPLETELY messing around (michelle is someone who can testify to that). so why the fuck do people feel its their obligation to rub my faults in my face? sorry i wasn't born some fucking super model. sorry i can't become some annorexic "model" figure, but seriously just get the fuck over it. i'm incredibly sick of hearing all this bullshit from my own "family". if i embarrass them so much then they don't need to act like they know me. my mom is constantly telling me how i need to work out and that my stomach is getting fat and my legs are getting big and then when i give her a hug she pinches my sides and says "you need to lose this." then she goes on and on: whenever we go out she feels its necessary to tell me that i need to dress nice and i need to wear make up and i need to do my hair and then my uncle is coming over ... acting like he still lives here or something...telling me ive gotten fat and i need to work out. well FUCK THEM. i like food and i don't like to throw up. im not the most active person around but i do more than they do, especially my mom. and i'm not high maintenance. i'm not one of those girls that has to curl/straighten/crunch their hair everyday and then cake my face on and where uncomfortable clothes and uncomfortable shoes just to make people look at me, i don't even like people looking at me. i don't know where they find room to talk because there really isn't any.
and so now that i've put myself in a bad mood, im going to go get ready to go to the beach where i can cover up my fat, ugly body.
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| im not as incocent as was |
[24 Apr 2004|01:39pm] |
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headache |
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Lovesong--The Cure |
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i did it guys...
i finally got drunk.
it was fun as hell but nothing i could ever do regularly. i have a headache now :\ i couldn't walk at all last night either--hell i couldnt even sit up. michelle said that i kept falling over and petting her head. i dont remember that part though, i remember most everything else i think though. um yeah. so that was my night last night.
aaannnnd....my manager said i dont have to go to work today so YIPEE!!! :) :)
and even better than not having work: i FINALLY got The Cure's greatest hits cd....FINALLY
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[20 Apr 2004|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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insanely bored |
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actionslacks |
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well yay. prom is less than a month away ... that is going to be the funnest night of my life *rolls eyes*
um, i have a second interview on thursday for this job at some restraunt, so thats good.
what else. i'm unaccomplished and i have no direction in life. just thought i'd let you all know.
im going to michelle's on thursday night. but MICHELLE: i have an eye appointment on friday morning at like 10 or something soooooooo i could either just come back thursday night and then if you want we can hang out after that on friday or i could leave early friday morning (which i dont really want to) ooor we can just completely reschedule and do it friday/saturday, but i have work at 4 on saturday. its up to you, just let me know.
i got a new bra yesterday from Victoria's Secret. i love it. :) its my only pretty bra.
can you tell im updating cuz i have nothing else to do? well, if you can't, thats what im doing. today has been one of the most boring days--EVER. and sadly, im pretty sure this isnt going to be the last day like this before i start school again. yeah so ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm bye
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